An Actor without an Audience

An Actor without an Audience
is like a heart without the beat.
An Actor without an Audience is dead.

I wander the desert- alone-
with the dryness of depravation on my lips,
looking for a cactus to re-hydrate my spirit.
I am a car without gas
rolling along in neutral
Waiting
for a pump to fuel my engine:
My tank is barren.
My purpose is paused…

Until the bright white lights of “upturned, wondering eyes”
Shine my way into being.
There’s no end of a tunnel without the light
leading your way out of the womb.

But when the lights go down
I die.

Like a fish out of water
I flop through the world
hoping for that next splash
into the limelight.
I return to a reality of hopelessness and helplessness,
resuming the futile search
      for skin that fits;
      for a body that breathes;
      for shoes that I can walk comfortably in
            and call my feet;
      for a life to wear
            that looks like the life I’ve dreamt of living.
A life that just feels right…

One where you don’t have to talk to yourself
      to have someone listen;
Where you don’t have to look in a mirror
      to make someone laugh;
A life that doesn’t need people watching it to continue on…
A life that’s just not mine.

In mine:
      A look is a pulse,
      A smile is a heartbeat,
      and a laugh is life-support:
A moment that, like a wave,
rides the surface of the water until it is no more-
Reaching for more time,
but crashing down hard and coming up empty.
A chuckle is a blip on the heart monitor that tells me I’m alive-
That not only can I live,
      but I have a reason to.

I remain backstage.
(The threshold of God’s womb.)
I am born again each time the curtains open.
I walk into the white / I float into my life
and onto the stage,
      with impending darkness waiting in the wings-
            its forceps pulling me out of the brightness
                  and into my grave…
again.

Life
and
Death
and back.
It’s an uneven cycle:
I’m Dead a lot more than
I’m Alive.

I live the life of an Actor and his Audience:

I can’t LIVE without one.